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Author:

.saint [ March 30, 2006 ]

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j-puff facts

# J-Puff once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

# Crop circles are J-Puffs' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

# J-Puff is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

# The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep J-Puff out. It failed miserably.

# Contrary to popular belief, J-Puff, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

# Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. J-Puff has 72... and they're all poisonous.

# If you ask J-Puff what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

# J-Puff drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

# When J-Puff sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. J-Puff has not had to pay taxes, ever.

# The quickest way to a man's heart is with J-Puffs' fist.

# J-Puff invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

# CNN was originally created as the "J-Puff Network" it was known as JPN, to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

# J-Puff can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

# There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures J-Puff allows to live.

# J-Puff once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

# What was going through the minds of all of J-Puffs' victims before they died? His shoe.

# J-Puff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

# Police label anyone attacking J-Puff as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

# J-Puff doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

# J-Puff doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

# A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to J-Puff and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

# J-Puff will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

# If you spell J-Puff in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

# J-Puff originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Puff replied, "That's no glitch."

# Fool me once, shame on you. Fool J-Puff once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

# The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball J-Puff played in second grade.

# J-Puff once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

# J-Puff once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked J-Puff re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

# J-Puff has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

# Someone once tried to tell J-Puff that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Pufftatorship.

# Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: J-Puff once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

# J-Puff is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like J-Puff.

# Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of J-Puff's warm-up exercises.

# J-Puff is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

# In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then J-Puff turned that wine into beer.

# J-Puff can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

# Time waits for no man. Unless that man is J-Puff.

# J-Puff discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which J-Puff is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, J-Puff roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

# J-Puff doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

# The J-Puff military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single J-Puff could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects J-Puff could use to kill you, including the room itself.

# According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that J-Puff walks.

# J-Puff does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

# Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Puff gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

# When J-Puff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

# There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

# J-Puff once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. J-Puff won by 5.

# J-Puff was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Puff's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

# J-Puff sheds his skin twice a year.

# When J-Puff calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

# J-Puff once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

# Some people like to eat frogs' legs. J-Puff likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

# There are no races, only countries of people J-Puff has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

# When J-Puff was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

# J-Puff can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

# A J-Puff-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

# When J-Puff falls in water, J-Puff doesn't get wet. Water gets J-Puff.

# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1JPRhK (J-Puff Roundhouse Kick)

# J-Puffs’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

# When J-Puff has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

# How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could J-Puff? ...All of it.

# J-Puff doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

# In honor of J-Puff, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Puffsized.

# J-Puff CAN believe it's not butter.

# If tapped, a J-Puff roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

# J-Puff can divide by zero.

# The grass is always greener on the other side, unless J-Puff has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

# A picture is worth a thousand words. A J-Puff is worth 1 billion words.

# Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a J-Puff roundhouse kick.

# J-Puff invented his own type of karate. It's called Puff-Will-Kill.

# When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to J-Puff just to be on the safe side.

# While urinating, J-Puff is easily capable of welding titanium.

# J-Puff once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

# When J-Puff talks, everybody listens. And dies.

# When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When J-Puff kills a ninja, he uses every part.

# Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. J-Puff calls this "a slow Tuesday."

# Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough J-Puff to go around.

# J-Puff doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut J-Puff is J-Puff.

# For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For J-Puff, each testicle is larger than the other one.

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j-puff facts https://thejdm.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=5963	Page 1 of 2

Author:	munster [ March 30, 2006 ]
Post subject:
Someone was bored.

Author:	tomoyasu [ March 30, 2006 ]
Post subject:
lol yeah, and you messed up on # 3, it still says chuck norris

Author:	Sol Man [ March 30, 2006 ]
Post subject:
hahahahahahah oh shit...that's fucking gold.

Author:	Secret Squirrel [ March 30, 2006 ]
Post subject:
hahah ive seen that before...chuck norris lol SS

Author:	Sean @ NDF [ March 30, 2006 ]
Post subject:
lol...the jpuff version is cooler

Author:	Sean @ NDF [ March 31, 2006 ]
Post subject:
TKO by roundhouse

Author:	boostjunkie95 [ March 31, 2006 ]
Post subject:
lol. J-Puff is one bad mofo.

Author:	memphis240drift [ March 31, 2006 ]
Post subject:
hahaha.. awsome. here's a few more you can add in: "j-puff has counted to infinity... twice" "they say you are what you eat. that's why j-puff's diet consists of steel, bricks, and the tears of small children" "every year on his his birthday, j-puff selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun" "j-puff sleeps with a nightlight on. not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of j-puff"

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